Chapter 1The day I got diagnosed with depression, my parents were fighting about divorce. Both swore the other one cheated.
Dad's a doctor. Had his arm around some patient.
Mom's eyes were red. Turned and kissed her childhood buddy who's been into her forever.
Mom didn't see—Dad never touched that woman.
Dad didn't know—Mom's kiss was fake.
But they hated each other now. Made me choose.
"Your mom's a slut. You can't stay with her!"
"Your dad can't keep it in his pants. Stay with him? You're screwed!"
I got so scared I bit my nails till they bled. Couldn't talk. Just smiled.
They used to love when I smiled.
That day? They looked at me like I was trash.
Both thought the other one would take me. Both just left.
That's how I became an orphan. For ten years.
Until my school counselor called them.
"Her depression's really bad. She tries to kill herself in her sleep every night. Her roommate's the only reason she's not dead!"
Mom and Dad looked at my face. I was still smiling.
Mom rolled her eyes. "She's smiling. No way she's depressed."
Dad shrugged. "Actually if she died? Whatever. She's trash anyway."
I said nothing. Just smiled even bigger.
Knew it—they never loved me.
Ten fingers. One nail left to bite off.
When it's gone?
I'm done.
Maybe they'll finally be happy.
---
Never thought they'd actually show up.
Both looked decent when they got there.
Then they saw each other and Dad's face went black.
"You nearly let her die and now she's MY problem?"
Mom laughed picking at her nails.
"Yeah? Smile's easy as hell to raise. How'd you mess that up?"
Mom looked at me and made this noise. "God your taste in men was always shit."
Dad's voice went flat. "You married down so bad."
He meant Mom's new husband.
Mom lost it. Pointed right in his face.
"Screw you! You cheated first!"
"Cheated? Jesus Christ Brynn's not my mistress!"
"Oh she's not? Then what the hell am I? You're so full of it!"
Listening to them fight made me feel like a little kid again.
Started shaking. Chewing my nails without realizing.
Miss Hayes clearly wasn't ready for this.
Then suddenly they're both staring at me.
"Wait she's depressed?"
"Tries to kill herself every day?"
I dropped my bloody fingers. Put on my biggest smile.
They both flinched. Looked away like I grossed them out.
"She's smiling like that. Can't be depressed."
"Every night she tries? How come she's not dead yet?"
Felt like getting stabbed hearing that.
I couldn't say shit back.
Been depressed ten-plus years.
Worse I feel? Bigger I smile.
Nobody buys that I'm depressed.
Only my roommate who stops me from cutting my wrists every night knows how bad it is.
My parents never gave a crap about me anyway. Why would they believe me now?
Miss Hayes rubbed her head looking pissed.
"You two need to watch your mouths. She can't be at school right now."
"I'm saying she needs to go home. Get better. Then she can come back."
Mom didn't even hesitate. "Let her dad take her. I got a daughter at home I actually care about."
Dad shot back fast. "I got a son now. Can't have a girl there."
Mom straight up laughed at him. "Oh wow you had a kid with your side chick. Classy."
Dad's fists went tight. "You had a kid with your side piece too. Slut."
Mom's eyes got all red. Pointed right at me. Voice shaking.
"Fine! I'm a slut! I'll fuck whoever I want and have their kids."
"THIS piece of trash I had with YOU? I don't want her!"
I bit down on what was left of my nail.
Watching them toss me around like I'm garbage.
"Her eyes look like you. Makes me wanna puke. She shows up at my place? I'm drowning her."
"She smiles like you! I'll treat her like shit. Let her kill herself. She's trash."
I smiled even bigger. Tears about to spill.
Leaned over to Miss Hayes.
"Miss Hayes... can I just die now?"
"They don't want me."
Miss Hayes looked at me. I could tell it was killing her.
She fought with them forever till they agreed—I'd go back and forth.
One day here one day there. Till I "got better" and could go back to school.
Right before I left she grabbed my hand.
"Every parent loves their kid."
"Your parents? They're still into each other. Anyone can see that. And you? They're gonna treat you right."
"It gets bad you call me. Deal?"
Chapter 2
They started fighting over who'd take me first.
Neither wanted me.
I stood in my dorm forever.
Then Mom's phone rang. Had to get home fast so she caved.
I grabbed my tiny bag. Got in her car.
Mom saw my one sad little bag and went cold.
"That how he raises you? That's IT? Cheap ass."
I squeezed my hands together hiding the holes in my shoes.
Nobody raised me. That's why I got nothing.
Couple shirts. Some shoes. That's it.
Mom's eyes landed on how broke I looked.
"Makes sense. He's got a son now. Why would he give a shit about you."
"I'll grab you stuff when we get home. Can't have you looking like that."
I said nothing. Just smiled like always.
Mom saw it and stopped cold. Face twisted up.
"Don't smile. It's gross."
Smile froze on my face.
"Okay Mom."
Mom made this annoyed sound.
"Don't call me that. Presley'll freak."
"Just say you're my friend's kid staying over. Got it?"
I smiled. "Got it Mrs. Harding."
We got to the house.
This girl in cute clothes came running out. Jumped into Mom's arms all sweet.
"Mommy where's my cupcakes?"
Mom's whole face changed. Cold look gone. Just warm now.
"Got 'em. Every new flavor."
Presley grinned big and kissed Mom's cheek.
"Knew it Mommy!"
I couldn't help staring. Felt like shit.
Presley saw me. "Who's that?"
Mom barely looked at me. "Staying a couple days. Don't worry about her."
Presley nodded.
I walked in. Mom's place was huge.
Guest rooms everywhere. Mom was about to put me in one.
Then Presley whined. "Mommy that's Judy's room. She can't have it."
I'm like who's Judy?
Then Mom tapped Presley's nose smiling. "You got like a million dolls. Can't she bunk with one?"
"No! They all need their own rooms!"
"Fine fine."
Presley had a ton of dolls. One in each room. Every guest room taken.
Just the basement and this tiny maid room left.
Mom shrugged. "Pick. You're not here long anyway."
Presley stuck her tongue out at me. Made this dumb face.
I smiled like a good kid and took the maid's room.
"Thanks Mrs. Harding."
Woke up that night to screaming.
Opened my eyes. Blood everywhere.
The maid was holding me down.
My forehead hurt like hell—I'd tried to kill myself again.
The screaming brought Mom and Presley running. And her new husband Crew.
Presley stared at me and started laughing. "See Mommy? Total psycho!"
Mom looked pissed. Like I embarrassed her.
Crew covered Presley's eyes. "Don't look baby."
Then he looked at the maid.
"Tie her up from now on."
I smiled again.
The maid tied me up fast.
She didn't care how tight. Treated me like garbage.
I was tied up all night. Like gutting a fish. Didn't sleep.
Morning came. I was all bruised up. Could barely move.
Mom actually brought me new clothes.
Since I'm skinny the clothes were huge on me. Barely hid my bruises.
Presley saw and freaked out.
"Mommy why'd you give MY clothes to the psycho!"
Mom didn't even look up. "They're old anyway. I'll buy you new ones when you're bigger."
Felt like ice water hit me.
That little bit of happiness? Gone.
Turns out they weren't new clothes. Just Presley's old stuff.
Mom saw my face drop.
"Trent's kid doesn't deserve my money."
"Don't like it here? Go back to your dad's."
I smiled and shook my head. "No Mrs. Harding. I'm happy."
Mom stopped for a second. Then left real quick.
Dad showed up that evening.
Mom walked me out. Dad was staring at her.
Mom laughed.
"What? Scared I hit her? Chill. I'm not that bad."
Dad shook his head.
"Just shocked she's alive. Figured she'd kill herself last night and I wouldn't have to do this."
Mom's face changed. She shoved me at Dad.
"Yeah well I wanted her dead too. She's annoying as hell. Hope I never see her again."
Dad's face went dark.
"You want her dead that bad?"
Mom didn't even think.
"Hell yeah! She's trash."
I just stood there smiling.
Hated myself so much right then.
Right. They both think I'm a burden.
Why can't I just die already?
If I died at school they wouldn't have to see each other. Wouldn't fight.
It was summer but I felt freezing.
Blinked. I was at Dad's already.
Met Dad's wife Brynn Halstead. Used to be his patient. Heart problems.
Dad's son Grayson Ashford looked fine though. Running around everywhere.
Table was full of food.
Grayson grabbed my hand and pushed me into a chair.
"Eat! Come on eat!"
His energy freaked me out. I grabbed my fork fast. Took a bite.
Worst taste ever hit my mouth.
I spit it out.
Grayson was dying laughing.
"You just ate toad piss!"
"Psycho sister's gonna grow nasty shit in her mouth!"
Everything started spinning. I covered my mouth and gagged.
Brynn's voice came from next to me.
Handed me water.
"Sorry. My son's wild. He's messing with you—we don't have that."
Dad's face relaxed.
After I drank it Grayson leaned over giggling.
"Don't listen to my mom. I wasn't lying. That water? I put pills in it. Guess what kind."
My heart started hurting bad.
I got dizzy. My arms and legs went weak. Started sweating.
I collapsed on the table. Food all over my face.
Brynn gasped.
"Trent look. Why'd she collapse? Is that depression?"
Dad sounded annoyed.
"Ignore her. She's probably faking. Her mom probably taught her that."
"She'll get up when she's done."
I couldn't breathe right.
Nobody gave a shit.
I could hear them laughing. Talking. Happy family.
Just like at Mom's.
I didn't exist to them.
My tears fell into the food.
That's when I knew.
I haven't had a home in forever.
Chapter 3
My depression kept getting worse.
At Mom's, I was treated worse than the help.
Presley kept calling me "psycho."
Mom acted like she didn't hear it.
Then Presley heard Mom call me "trash." Started saying that too.
She figured out trash meant nobody wanted me.
Meant she could do whatever she wanted.
Eventually I wasn't allowed to eat their food anymore.
When Mom wasn't home Presley made it her thing to torture me.
She was younger but way stronger.
I had to play house with her. Be the bad guy in her games.
Presley acted like it made total sense.
"You eat our food. Sleep in our house. Every night our maid saves your ass. So you owe us right?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"So—" Presley smiled mean.
Then she slapped me hard across the face.
"Bad guys get punished. You gotta get hit. That's how it works."
That night there was a handprint on my face.
Mom saw it.
Presley opened her eyes real wide acting all sweet.
"The psycho did it to herself. I saw it."
Mom didn't say anything. Didn't call her out.
Later that night she came to find me.
"Can't handle it? Go to your dad's."
I smiled and shook my head.
"No Mrs. Harding. I'm okay."
Mom's face got weird.
That night I had a dream.
I was little again. Back when Mom and Dad loved each other.
Mom used to sing me to sleep. Dad played with me after work.
Then they just left me.
Mom held Presley. Her eyes were cold.
"I don't want trash like you."
Dad held Grayson's hand looking disgusted.
"Why are you still here?"
I woke up scared as hell.
Found I was standing on the roof. Right at the edge. Swaying.
I started moving my foot forward.
If I jump all this stops...
But someone grabbed me hard and pulled me back. Then slapped me.
Mom stared at me. Her eyes were all red. "Wanna die? Don't do it here! Psycho!"
I blinked slow.
Mom looked scared. She turned around fast and yelled at the maid.
"You didn't tie her up right! You're fired!"
Next day some doctor showed up.
Mom wasn't saying anything. That made me nervous.
The doctor shook his head. "She needs to be somewhere quiet. You should send her overseas."
Mom didn't say anything. Just stared at me forever.
My stomach dropped.
I smiled. Kept smiling. I was getting dumped again.
That afternoon Mom bought me a plane ticket.
Right before I was supposed to leave Mom's phone rang.
Crew took me instead.
In the car we kept getting farther from Austin.
I felt scared. Really scared. Without thinking I tried to bite my nails.
But my teeth just hit skin. Blood came out.
I smiled.
Right. I didn't have any nails left.
Time to die.
He took me to this warehouse outside the city.
Brynn stood at the door. Looked at me like I was already dead.
"You know why you're here?"
Crew pushed his glasses up and looked down at me.
"You going back and forth between houses? It's annoying. Your parents don't even want you. Why are you still alive?"
"You die at home? That's a problem. Here? Nobody cares."
I looked where he was looking. Saw a rusty knife in the corner.
My hand stopped.
So they wanted me dead.
If that's what they want—
Then okay. I'll do it.
